Live This Life

It is not long but my bucket list is becoming more important to me as I get older. I see so many people leaving this life and having regrets. I really don't want to live scared. I want to get over my fears and just make awesome memories. My memories keep me company during the bad times. 

Here is a glimpse of my list

• Go to London
• Go to California
• Ride in a helicopter
• Publish a e-book
• Host a family fun dayA
• Host a retreat
• All inclusive vacation
• Colon Cleanse
• Complete a 5k
• Wear a bikini
• Get Certification
• Debt Free
• Own home
• Minimalist
• Multiple Family Vacation
• Road-trip with kids
• Play paintball
• Donate time at a shelter
• Learn to swim
• Design a t-shirt
• Attend a wine festival
• Have a foundation or some legacy created for my mom

I am sure it is more but these things mean the most to me right now. Do you have a bucket list? Share some with me. 

I look forward to it. 

Losing Sleep

This mom thing is a trip. I know for the first couple of months that sleep would be lost but we are almost at year 5 for baby #1. I have all the great intentions of what I want to do but then they drain me with bath time, story time, fuss at me til I lay down time and then can I lay with you time. I love them I do but I miss my sleep. It is when I need it most that I feel like they just laugh at me. Not tonight mama.
It was a time when I could relax in bed and be out. No worries in the world. When I try to put them down at a decent time they find millions of reasons to get up. I gotta pee. I need a tissue. I want. They get me every time. Is it too much to ask?  I guess it's like selfcare you just have to take it. No one will just allow me to chill. Go to bed at a decent time. I guess with all things this is a stage I have to master but I wish it was now that a miracle would happen. Sleeping straight through the night is awesome but can I get 6 or 7 on a regular.
One day right. In my dreams maybe. Come on somebody let me sleep.

These boobs

So here we go. I'm excited about the day and having some time to hit the mall alone. Finally ready to try out the bra shop near my home in hopes of getting something new and cute. The granny bra is old news. Since I am done breastfeeding time for mama to spoil herself.
After seeing the sleet I almost called my fin off but I was encouraged to take the time I had to do something for me. Yay to any form of #selfcare. So I walk in the store and felt my anxiety shrink. I was here to do something I was putting off. I was greeted, then told her I needed to be fitted. She walked me back to the dressing room. Her question were: Have you been here before? No! What size did I already wear? I really am not sure. She told me to take my shirt off and let her know when I was ready. I dressed light so that didn't take long. She walked in and hugged me measure. Long pause.
You wear... Now you know i am not sharing my size. Let's just say I didn't walk out with a new fitting bra. She instead gave me a list of bra shops to go to that might have my size. WTH. As I walked out she said let me know how it goes. Ok yea sure.
Disclaimer. I am adding this from my phone so yes some punctuation is not included but you get the point.
I'm home disappointed. The great experience I thought I would have w a new bra at the end of the day didn't happen. So this is why I don't like bra shops. People don't like going to the doctors and I don't like having to deal w these boobs. I didn't ask for them but plenty people do  i think they are crazy. The struggle is beyond real.
I hope I come up with a new plan soon. Until then I will keep tucking these boobs away.

Missing you.....

I look in the mirror and see you. I take pictures and I see you. People see me, and I scare them because we were twins. I have rough days and I remember your kind words. At the end of it all you were mine no matter what. You always told me we are all we have. When you made moves I was right beside you. Now I didn’t always want to be doing stuff, but you exposed me to so much. I am able to see so much. I really want you to be here to yell at me, see your grandchildren and spoil all of us. No really, I just want to go back to being cuddled up watching movies together. I see our last moments together like it was yesterday. You just wanted to be here with me, but God had other plans. You ran your race.

I love you. I pray I make you proud. This life is so hard, but I am doing my best. I am just me at the end of the day. Trying my best to accomplish something awesome.

In the meantime, I will keep talking to you and hearing your comments about. Taking photos of us like you are watching. You are here though right. Watching us grow.

Love you more than I probably ever told you.